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How to Save Our Families from Ruin

Mawlana Shaykh Hisham Kabbani

21 December 2011 Jakarta, Indonesia

`Isha Suhbah at Private Residence (1)

… You know nothing of Allah’s Balance (the Heavenly Scale), because He said:

وَفَوْقَ كُلِّ ذِي عِلْمٍ عَلِيمٌ

fawqa kulli dhi `ilmin `aleem.

Above every knower is a (higher) knower. (Yusuf, 12:76)

Above every knowledge there is another knowledge, above every knower there is another knower, and above every professor there is another professor! Unfortunately, today children don’t like to accept advice from their father or mother. They accept advice only from one person, from their girlfriend or boyfriend, who says they are totally for them in all ways.


وَأَنكِحُوا الْأَيَامَى مِنكُمْ وَالصَّالِحِينَ مِنْ عِبَادِكُمْ وَإِمَائِكُمْ إِن يَكُونُوا فُقَرَاء يُغْنِهِمُ اللَّهُ مِن فَضْلِهِ وَاللَّهُ وَاسِعٌ عَلِيمٌ

Wa ankihoo’l-ayyaama minkum wa ’s-saaliheena min `ibaadikum wa imaa’ikum, in yakoonoo fuqaraa yughnihimullahu min fadhlihi w’Allahu waasi`un `aleem.

And (you ought to) marry the single from among you as well as such of your male and female slaves as are fit (for marriage). If they are poor, (let this not deter you). Allah will grant them sufficiency out of His bounty for, Allah is Infinite (in His mercy), All-Knowing! (An Noor, 24:32)

It means find a girl or boy and marry. Don’t say, “They are poor,” but look at their character, their behavior and manners. In our tradition, really the boy is not only marrying the girl; rather, the family is marrying the family. Immediately the two families will be affected by any problem the boy and girl face because it is a social relationship between the families.

That is why Prophet (s) said, silat ar-raham, “the relationship of the womb” is what is important: cousins, cousins of the cousins, the brothers, sisters and everyone in the family is involved. After two or three generations you will find so many grandchildren from different parents, but they grow up like siblings. That is what is important. Don’t let your father or your mother down! Don’t tell me I am ignorant; I am ignorant, no problem, but I am not ignorant about this because every day I see ten or fifteen of these cases in America and England. Now many people come to our center in England that is devoted to answer questions for people experiencing difficulties. It is going to be called, “The School of Islamic Social Difficulties” because people don’t know anything about their religion, Islam. They are constantly fighting and cannot find answers. Our main problem today is people don’t want to listen to their parents and they think their parents are like Dracula. In the movies he has two fangs, but they see their parents have ten teeth! In reality, Allah (swt) protects the children because of the barakah of their parents, and one day these children will bring happiness to their parents’ hearts.

Every day I see people who say, “My marriage, my marriage! Problems, problems, problems!”

People who marry someone from a different culture may face too many problems, and if you want my advice, marry from your own culture; Indonesian should marry Indonesian, Malaysian and Malaysian, Singaporean and Singaporean. Don’t have an Indonesian marry someone Turkish, or a Malaysian marry a Chinese person, because many of these marriages will not last and you don’t want to see the children fall behind when they have to go either with the father or the mother. After a while the mother or father remarries and then the children are lost. That is why our host has children in his schools, because he provides for young children from broken homes. He has 32 schools and looks after 2,200 children! And he is also looking after all of us because we are his children! (laughter)

Prophet (s) said, ad-deenu naseeha, “Religion is advice.” He didn’t say to that person any more than that. Another person said, “Yaa Rasoolullah, give me advice.” He said, la taghdab, “Don't get angry.” When someone gets angry, it affects the heart and you may have a heart attack, and if it is a strong attack you cannot save yourself, you are gone. Prophet (s) knows the medicine for everything and he said, “If you want to save yourself, don’t get angry,” because anger will destroy a person, his personality and his life. It could be you or me or anyone, and something might happen during the day, you might have a problem, you are not happy, you are angry, and when you come home in the evening your wife makes it heavier. What happens? Hellfire enters the house, because that was from Shaytan, not because the wife wants it. The wife wants the best for her husband, but Shaytan plays games with us.

I told my wife, “You are the daughter of the shaykh, my teacher, who is my father-in-law, so I cannot fight you. Let’s make an agreement that if you are angry, tell me and I'll go out of the house and return after one or two hours when you cool down. But if I am angry, you must also get out of the house.” This is the advice of Grandshaykh `AbdAllah (q), who said, “If someone gets angry, you must know in that moment Shaytan is between the two sides.” When two parties--husbands and wives, work colleagues, business partners, sisters or brothers--are angry, it means Shaytan is present to make them boil more. Grandshaykh said, “In that case, one of you must pull out. Go make wudu, pray two raka`ats and you will cool down. If you don’t cool down, take a shower, pray two raka`ats and leave the house.”

Go walk for one or two hours and come back, then Shaytan will run away because you didn’t make him happy and listen to him when he tried to anger you because you left. So both sides at that moment, either husband or wife, brother or sister, business partners or anyone, will cool down and you can come to an agreement. Don’t argue when you are angry!

I mentioned two days ago that Sayyidina `Ali (r) said, “Don't react quickly.” Psychologists understand the hearts of people. Does the chess player react quickly? No, he reacts very slowly; it might take 24 hours to move one piece, and for the partner on the other side it might take him 48 hours. Also they have to keep quiet, according to the rules of the game, so they can’t get angry. Sayyidina `Ali (a) said, “When you are in a community and you know there is a problem, be silent.” Some wives say, “Why you are silent? Speak!” Why do you want him to speak, do you want fire? He might be like a fire-breathing dragon is he speaks! At that moment, if you could see yourself as you really are, if you have that power and you train yourself, you can see that fire coming out from every person that is speaking. So don’t talk, be quiet!

First, don’t let your dragon fire come out. Second, listen to what people are saying. Third, observe and watch. After you have kept quiet, listened to what they are saying and you’ve observed what they are doing, then act and make your move. It will be a steady, fast move and you will win.

O Muslims! Brothers and sisters, fathers and children, be nice to each other. This is what Allah (swt) and Prophet (s) want from us, because if we are not nice to our parents it is a sin. If you are not nice to people, Prophet (s) does not like it and Allah (swt) does not like it. Prophet (s) said, “To make the servant of Allah happy is from faith.” This means when you smile in the face of your brother, it is a sign that you have faith in your heart.

May Allah (swt) give us faith so that we are very happy and smiling very much. Our jaws are big from smiling from the generosity of our host and we are very happy to come to this house. You know we are people of a lower level, but our hosts are people of a high standard and we cannot reach that high standard. Whatever gift you bring to their home is not sufficient, so the best you can bring is something to give them a sweet taste in their mouth. Therefore, I brought a package of sweets!

May Allah (swt) bless your wife, bless you and make you happy with your children, inshaa-Allah.

Wa min Allahi 't-tawfeeq, bi hurmati 'l-habeeb, bi hurmati 'l-Fatihah.